Tension and Pressure

This few days, i must be overly overload myself. I am so lost. My robocon team has been so hard that there is hardly time for others things. then there is a person in my life, which i really want to get involve to help.

I dont know what can i do, we are so so far apart. She has been happy one day then not for the next few days. then there is the stupid me, who really want to know everything about it. It all begin last week, when a friend of her told her about his feeling. Nothing has been right since then.

This now are complicated for me, i had been wanting to help. cheer her up or just to share her feeling. but i fail, i am just so disappointed on myself. after all this year, i am still...

I know she has lost a friend for now, he might still be friends after that. but i it wont be that easy. Especially they wont stay in contact as usual anymore. My energy is falling apart, i cant even get her to talk to me. I can't cry nor i cant stop. My team needs all the man power they can get and i need her.

in less then 48 hour will be competition time. i can't concentrate.

What is there for me to do? I don't even understand the situation. I agree that i am selfish. but how can i understand when i don't know the problem.

There are many question in my mind,
Did she really want him?
Is she going to choose him if not bcoz of me?
Or she just dont want to loss that friend?
I do not want to know it part, but i want to know it in full.( which is impossible )
I dont want to hide my feeling, its suffering.
I dont want you to know it, its suffering.
So dont read it.

Now, i hate myself so so so much. am i so bad that i didn't give her that chance??
nor i am so bad that i should had disallow it to happen.
but how can i do it?
she likes talking to him, for long hours. I am too busy.
should i cancide myself so she do not need to choose.

Today i type this, without expectation that things will improve anytime soon. she seem serious that she don't want to be disturb by anyone. But each time i tell myself that i'll continue worry that she will leave me.

Ever since the time she start telling me about him. the way he held her hands, the time he has been calling her in the night, the amount of time spent on the phone with him. one especially when he told her he did not dare to talk to me. it was so obvious.

Lets just stop that, my mood is very down now. I want someone to talk too. at this time, i dont know who to talk to anymore.

just for your information, tension is the opposite of pressure. tension is cause by the pulling of a object while pressure is the pressing of a object.

Tomorrow, when you read this, there is a feeling in me that what i hope from this will never happen. NEVER!!!!!!
Its so heart-brokening to know that. That hurts so so so much.
So just take care. we wwill be in contact soon.

P.s i never mind that you calling me anytime. and i really wish i could chat each time you call. Bye...(how should i use the word forever now, please just be strong )

Crapps

I just crap some huge rubbish which just hurt me. There are someone, my sweetheart, who is feeling very disturb the pass few days.

I want to to the problem, but i am too far to help now. i am physically and emotionally disturb too.

I wish to have someone reading my mind and keeping it a secret for me. I need to concentrate now. be i am feeling hard to get my mind to it.

Sweetheart, please forgive me. i am being selfish. for not giving u a chance to be with others. I really dont want to be left alone.
I love you.

Alright, i have wasted my hold day. sorry for not able to let you know more.

I promise there will be more. after i am done with this project where my interest is going away from. Its a nice team, be i cannot take it for a longer period. :)